Alone is not the same as Lonely

Learn to be alone.  Eat alone, go to a movie alone (no one steals your popcorn), go on vacation alone.  People dont understand alone is not the same as lonely.  When you can be alone and enjoy it.  you like YOU.  I love to be alone.  Its rare and not because i dont enjoy and relish each moment with my family.  But its because i like me that  i am able to love them.   I didnt like me for a long time.  I had to have a circus going on all the time or something to do with someone.  One day i looked around and didnt even enjoy or like half of the someones around me.  I was attracting the wrong someone's.  I didnt like me.  I couldnt be alone.  I could not let go........hence let God.
Once i learned to let God in and like me......my life changed dramatically.  Some good and a lot tough/bad.  Now.......I still like me.  I like me alone.  I keep working on me and the reward......I love my family and they are able to love me.
Happy Sunday.

tiME - where is your ME in your time?

Where do you find your "you time"?   That time your alone with your thoughts, alone with your God, doing something just for yourself?  This is one of the most "guilt" issue's i have.  I tend to wake up at crazy hours just to be alone and read, pray, blog, play games, catch up on my shows.  I counter that with doing some laundry to ease my guilt.  But what about the Gym?  I love going to the gym.  Not to be 105 lbs or look like a 25 year old.  Although, if i could go back i have always said i would install mirrors and walk around saying " dayamn girl!!! you rock "  haha.  No, i like to go and turn my music up loud, spend 30 min reading my bible study and then hiding in a cardio room and working my routine.  Its quiet.  Its only for me.  Yet this last week i have found that sleep was more what i needed. What if i wanted to go out on a limb and get a pedicure?  a massage?  a movie?  As a parent you know that $ needs to be elsewhere.  Proof there is a hairdresser/mom waiting almost 2 years just to get her own hair done.   Again, the guilt.  I have a family to care for.  That my friends, is the devil.  The devil saying "with all the mistakes you have made you think you deserve time to yourself?"  I say, yes I DO.  
What do you do for yourself?  What time do your spend in your thoughts or listening/being still?  How can we hear God if we arent listening? We arent taking time for ourselves......when do we take time for Him?
The ongoing struggle continues...... Off to be momma/mimi and my day begins. <3

Peace of mind..few and far between

One child had a car accident, sleeping and safe. One daughter struggling to find where she belongs sleeping, one daughter just trying to be heard sleeping, one B achieving his goals and beginning all he was meant for, snoring and one gbaby at home and sleeping next to get Daddy to a Disney movie.

These are those moments...quiet..holding tight because tomorrow is a new day.

Movies that move me..try it

My idea of feel good movies are John Wayne, anything 80's directed by John Hughes (yes i love the duck man), All things Audrey Hepburn.  Throw in a wheezer and some Julia Roberts (pretty woman and practical magic) and who could forget Freddy and his great nails?  Meg Ryan had her moments and yes even closer to date Julia Stiles in 10 things i hate about you came close to feel good to me with my girls.    
So let me explain feel good movie: When i watch a movie and it touches me in some way and a week later makes me laugh, tug at my ever hateful heart or maybe teaches me something i didnt really want to think about?  Its a feel good movie.
What i want to share with you today is even though i know how busy you are.  I know my old westerns and black and whites may not interest you and Disney is so over finally thank you baby Jesus (except every other weekend) i have found three feel good movies that do exactly that.  Put your family around you grab a blanket and make some popcorn. Pay attention......watch them twice.  These days life is so busy and complicated and just messy isnt it?  Take the two hours and watch these.  You wont regret it.  (im no movie critic, but i am a momma)
1.  Real Steele - reminded me my kids need me to NOT give up
2. I bought a zoo - a new adventure as long as done together will never fail when paid for     with love..change is hard.  20 seconds of pure courage can change everything..and here i preach 24 hours lol
3. Chasing mavericks - each wave is gonna beat the crapp out of you but if you wanna succeed......the waves will just get bigger (p.s. i hate water.......i loved this movie)

If those dont work, throw in Cowboys with John Wayne or Sabrina with Audrey Hepburn.  (another secret.....Barbara Streisand in Funny girl .....if you can get your teenage daughter to watch it.....you wont regret it)

Nope...bring it!

nicole nordeman - i am



As i layed in bed this morning wondering how in the world the weekend i was looking forward too has turned into a weekend i am dreading??? Will there be enough coffee?  Enough St. John's wart or God forbid zanex?  Why cant things just go as planned?  I just dont wanna get out of bed - NOPE!

As i layed in that same bed i remembered.......they never do.

I am a list maker.  My kids will tell you i have a list for everything and everything has a list.  Some would say its because im organized.  Those that know me would say its because i have been out numbered for years.  A few might even say with a snicker it might be because i am forgetful and my personalities arent always on the same page (this one might be close).  I say its because i like to check things off my lists.  It makes me feel like i have been productive in some form.    ( i used to color code them..by child or event.   im much better now.  I have a strict post-it rule..a post it for this and a post it for that)

The list began : go upstairs and face the horror of the mess my children call their rooms, is my tootie (grand daughter) even on a bed, what in the hell is for dinner, will my sheets ever get clean?  How long will my love have to work today and will he come home smiling his charming smile or will a duck piss him off today (don't laugh...ducks and pools do not mix), will getting my oldest daughter to her class today be an ongoing fight and when or is the youngest coming home...my favorite of this particular list..do i just take over and call a lawyer regarding my tootie and some sanity for her?  (laundry is always on the list..the stack has grown, like gremlins...just add water ugh)
I made it to the couch with my list and grabbed my coffee, two dogs and cats (prayed to my sweet baby Jesus that no one woke up) and started looking at my list of what was the plans and now what are the plans.  Then i realized the list i should be making instead, my blessings:  Its Saturday, i am off of work.  My youngest daughter is at a sleep over that i know she didn't want to face, my grand daughter is home for at least a few hours, my son is here, my oldest daughter didn't react....she responded yesterday and so did my love when i know they both wanted to REACT.  Hell i did not do either to a certain someone, i mentally chose to let her be the mother she is choosing and my son the father he is choosing and i will be the mimi i choose.  (goal there is i am older) I have already walked in their shoes and seen the results. I don't have to do it again.  SOOOO  NOPE,  the devil shall not win today.


I listen to that song up there so much over the years.  When my manic takes over or my fear starts to peek her head out of my many twisted personalities and remember.......each time i listened, breathed.....waited one hour or one day.  Things improved.  FAITH = believing in what you cant see or touch or smell.  Its blind, but never alone.  Who knows, today may turn out better than i thought to begin with?  Most really do don't they?

One more cup of coffee and i can face the monsters i was blessed with and own this day like a boss!!  Saturday.......bring it and your little friends too.  haha

Am i good witch or a bad witch?

So here's my question:  Am i a good witch wishing i was bad or a bad witch wanting to be good.  LOL
No seriously,  Today, right now and in this life i am creating so carefully with age.  Am i a happy person that gets drained and hurt by unhappy things OR am i an unhappy person that struggles, even makes a genuine effort to be happy?
I know what i was,  i know what i want.  I know only i can change me.  (its been an UPHILL battle, im such a hardass)

I joke that every day in my life is a 50/50 shot.  Everyone's moods in my home decide my behavior or mood for the day.  We all affect each other, and those around us.  This my friends is a complicated, twisted 50 kinds of messed up baggage toting family...but we love hard.  We hurt deeply.  We feel everything.  Then everyone makes sure i feel it also and then how i can fix it for them.  (or so i feel;mom)

How am i (as i asked my 13 year old yesterday at a parent teacher conference) in this kaoz?  Am i part of the solution or part of the problem?  Am i generally happy and promote those around me to see God in me?  Am i generally pissy and expecting those around me to bring in the drama so i dont even try?

I want to think i am happy.  I am a happy person with a twist of sarcasm and humor to balance.  That i have cleared the strife from my life and want those around me to see positive energy and embrace it. I have had the experience of hitting rock bottom.  Alone.  I have not only been blessed but i have learned.  (and i know it)  So do i stay mad that i have recovered what i lost due to myself or others or do i embrace what i have and bask in the love i have been gifted?  I like to think the latter.

I not only ask myself these questions for me......i worry for my family.  (its my job.....so i pray a lot!) What are they seeing in me? How will they cope on their roller coaster of life?

I guess the answer is:  Keep working on me.  (Orange isnt my color anywho and they are so cute)

60 min. seem like an forever, doesnt it?  Not really.  At 45, its a second.  just a second. At 5 its eternity, at 13 its a lifetime, at 16 , hell could freeze before that 60 min is up.   at 22...your starting to maybe see the benefit to 1 hour......just one hour.  To a parent or a spouse, a daughter or a son, a sibling or a lover.  maybe a friend who is sick....and many others 1 hour is a gift of just one more hour to be.  be alive, be together, be free, be in love, watch as you grow........  i base most decisions on 24 hours. 24 of those 60 min. waits.  I no longer make a quick decision, i try and fail.... but try, not to react within 24 hours to something that has wronged or hurt me.  So much can happen in a day.  When you are old enough to realize what can happen in a day you are also old enough to know what can change in a day, or an hour.  Sometimes we may not even want to blink because that clock we are watching will soon take our children to their own homes and their own lives.  Time...........its a tough measurement.  Good, bad or indifferent.
Whatever is wrong i preach to my children; "wait 24 hours to respond, i promise and pray for you that not just one thing but two will be or feel different"   Most times as they were younger they didnt understand so i would say " see the clock?  when this hand is here and this hand is there......you will feel different"  it was a game.  
It still is, isnt it?

 keep breathing
.........dont give up, dont give in......YOU are not done.

Moms still have personal goals.......not just SLEEP

there is controversy i am listening to on my KLove radio.  do people post they are the  gym to BRAG or to push themselves on social networks?  Are they holding themselves accountable or  bragging that they are where you should be?  I respond to this by saying once again.  These posts are on  my page .  My blogs are my blogs.  Both yours to enjoy or please leave.  I have grown in my ability to set goals.  They used to be for ourselves didnt they?  Now......I have my heroe's(my family) behind me.  I want them to be proud of me and know they too can set goals and meet them.   Each of us have different reasons for posts.  On this page........it is always surrounding my B or our kids and occasionally.....my insane freinds that keep me laughing when crying just isnt an option.

 I started with this simple *hahahahah challenge.  it kicked this mother of three and now chasing a toddle grandbaby, muscle memory.... my worn out ass out.  but ..........it can be done.  Isnt that what what we want our kids to see?

Personally outside MOM.......its what we want.  We demand rules to be followed.  Goals to be set but are we doing what we ask?

People this one was awful........no really.    I get a lot of my work outs from this page.  Ck it out and you could also consider it.......personal time.  You could even curse.  i wont tell.

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