No seriously, Today, right now and in this life i am creating so carefully with age. Am i a happy person that gets drained and hurt by unhappy things OR am i an unhappy person that struggles, even makes a genuine effort to be happy?
I know what i was, i know what i want. I know only i can change me. (its been an UPHILL battle, im such a hardass)
I joke that every day in my life is a 50/50 shot. Everyone's moods in my home decide my behavior or mood for the day. We all affect each other, and those around us. This my friends is a complicated, twisted 50 kinds of messed up baggage toting family...but we love hard. We hurt deeply. We feel everything. Then everyone makes sure i feel it also and then how i can fix it for them. (or so i feel;mom)
How am i (as i asked my 13 year old yesterday at a parent teacher conference) in this kaoz? Am i part of the solution or part of the problem? Am i generally happy and promote those around me to see God in me? Am i generally pissy and expecting those around me to bring in the drama so i dont even try?
I want to think i am happy. I am a happy person with a twist of sarcasm and humor to balance. That i have cleared the strife from my life and want those around me to see positive energy and embrace it. I have had the experience of hitting rock bottom. Alone. I have not only been blessed but i have learned. (and i know it) So do i stay mad that i have recovered what i lost due to myself or others or do i embrace what i have and bask in the love i have been gifted? I like to think the latter.
I not only ask myself these questions for me......i worry for my family. (its my job.....so i pray a lot!) What are they seeing in me? How will they cope on their roller coaster of life?
I guess the answer is: Keep working on me. (Orange isnt my color anywho and they are so cute)
No comments:
Post a Comment