I remember when my babies were little and my calender looked something like TJ's High School fball play lists to memorize. Be here, go there, don't forget this, save for that, re-arrange clients and crap i forgot faith again. (she used to be so quiet) Then they all started growing up and away. My son decided when fball gave up on him he might as well too. Don't even mention the grand daughter i took a long time to accept until she looked at me with her daddy's eyes. The legal bills, the scattering to make sure Tj still had a high school life/college life and enjoy that angel he was so untimely blessed with. How about the daughters an incredibly mean and less than ever sober man gave me no choice but to send away. Thanks to my bad choice and blind belief in lies. The time i missed with the very reasons i breathed. (one of my favorite "update' letters from their incredible, (i mean that) step mom was, Michelle i hope you know they are on a heavy schedule and require so much. then lists just one of my 15 month apart girls days.... really? i read it and thought........breast feed and potty train them and then.....sweet sweet stay at home mom.....write me a different letter. ) Don't misunderstand, my children have a wonderful step mom. She is to be appreciated. Never having children herself but being a part of mine since birth basically, if it weren't for her i would have had no where to put them safely at that time. No where. Their dad traveled and had "zero interest in being a single father". so to her i will always be in her debt. But please......i sent them potty trained, self sufficient (faith could make coffee at 5) and with their brother to keep them in line until he found drugs in his fathers oh so fancy neighborhood. don't you just love money?
Back to my calender: i am working on it this morning and again, it looks like an old play book of Tj's. Faith, Emma, Me, B, Tootie, my Gram, my step mom, work for B & I(me working for someone this time not self employed), laundry, if and when Tj shows his face or life to us, same with Ashley. (basically those two are just ...oh look the phones ringing and its TJ or Ashley....how much?) I say this knowing college students are suppose to do that but shouldn't they at some point participate in the family they have no problem taking from? guess not.
I am for the first time in a long time overwhelmed and dealing with some manic issue's (obviously) and i find myself crying a lot in the shower. so....i read that post/photo yesterday and thought with broken ribs that heal so SLOW ugh. (Hint to anyone that breaks ribs....don't sneeze!) A son that is determined (not intentionally, i pray) to break my heart, my poor gram and step mom exhausted, my girls going through some damn tough growing pains, My B sticking when i know he secretly drives home a little slower, me out of work the last two weeks and and and and we keep going. That's what we do if we choose to be strong isn't it? Because it is very much a choice. strong/weak. Its so damn hard to be strong. to keep going, to do what has to be done no matter how much it hurts or how tired you are. Its Easy to say "fuck it" and bury your head in the sand, or pill or pot, drug of choice or comfy safe financially safe environment. Just close your eyes and wait for whatever it is to go away. Let me just tell you it wont. So as the picture says: I put my feet on the floor, pray very hard for the Good Lord to cover my mouth as much as possible, remember this time around i am not alone and accept, I'm going to be tired for 5 more years, cry a little, laugh a little, lose time with my B, be sad at some of the decisions my children make yet pray what they want will turn out to make them happy because in the end that's all i really want and I'm thinking this headache is permanent and then poof*, it will be over and the house will be quiet. They will all be gone. With lives of their own to blame me for (its always the parents fault) and children to raise of their own. Just Poof*......its all so fast.
I pray your life is calm today. If your reading this, that you find comfort in your coffee or morning news. That you take 10 min to yourself and be blessed and glad for just one thing, even if that one thing is you. I know my way is the hard way, but i am blessed that i was raised by women and two men that showed me......There is no other way. I just don't do easy, dammit.
p.s. forgive my language. Im educated and have a large vocabulary. This month however Fuck just seems to be one of my favorite words and at 45, i ask you allow me the fucking luxury. :)
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