MUST watch for every woman!

and dont YOU forget it. When momma isnt here to remind you Faith, Emma and Tatum.  Watch again!  As i help my step mom struggle with serious change and fear with so much class  and as i watch my gram move on with dignity through the end of her life.  As all the changes are happening in my life, i keep watching and reminding myself no sir Devil!!!  I am a woman of God.  He enable me to be me.

Not Mean....misunderstood.

People always confuse Mean with misunderstood or honest.  (ok, sometimes twisted and complicated but thats just lil ole me)  Its called boundaries.  Respect them.....try and set some.    I like me......i do not need you to like me to be me.  Do you like you?  Self reflection is a difficult task it is so much easier to self project isn't it? 

Resentment vs Forgiveness

I love this quote but i lean more towards the biblical version of Forgiveness.   People ask me all the time to this day actually regarding others..."how are you still friends with so in so or why would you ever forgive so in so or how are you ok after so in so?"  My answer is simple.  That person is no longer allowed to have any hold on me.  To not forgive them requires emotion.  hate, resentment, anger all emotions i used to over achieve at.  

I am not wo those emotions anymore.  But i am still learning.  I have one person i just cant seem to forgive. I cant let go off that pain.  I have prayed about if for over 30 years and it will get better.  But other than that person, i am actually quick to forgive.  Holding on to anger, resentment and pain can actually cause me to get sick.  Make the people around me not happy.  My family does not deserve a mom or gf angry all the time because of another person that doesnt matter anymore.  

I actually had a person say to me "i hope you can get past this and forgive me, then you can finally be happy.  you are such an unhappy person Michelle"  My response was simple.  I forgave you a long time ago.  I just dont like you.  I wish you well but i do not see a reason for you to call me.  The reality is that person is unhappy and an unhappy person can only see unhappy, be unhappy, think unhappy. That same person was shocked i would forgive them.  so much he/she cried and hung up.

I have another person that simply will not forgive me. Now this is another issue.  With Gods help i have learned i do not need someone to forgive me.  i had to forgive myself, ask God to forgive me and move on.  I have asked that person for forgiveness and tried to show that person how it took two to make some of the issues at hand.  refusal to grant the forgiveness and move on.....has and is hurting this person not me.  

Our children learn by example.  With all i have done as a mom in almost 20 years.  My children no me to be a flawed person.  Not perfect, not June Cleaver and because of this i hope that these flaws i have been honest with keeps them honest with me.  Admitting mistakes and owning them is difficult.  Forgiving others can be painful.  Once you have done both... cut it loose.  Pray for them and move on.  Only in that forgiveness can you truly be free.

Battlefield of the mind - mine is a war!

When we begin to feel that the battle of the mind is just too difficult and that we arent going to make it, then we must be able to cast down that kind of thinking and choose to think that we are going to make it!  Not only must we choose to think that we are going to make it, but we must also decide not to quit.  Bombarded with doubts and fears, we must take a stand and say, I will never give up!  God is on my side, He loves me, and He is helping me!

Our thoughts become our words.  Therefore, it is vitally important that we choose life-generatign thoughts.  when we do, right words will follow.

When the battle seems endless and you think you'll never make it, remember that you are reprogramming a very carnal, fleshly, worldly mind to think as God thinks.  Impossible? NO.....Difficult? YES!
But, just think, you have God on your team.  I believe he is the best computer programmer around. Your mind is like a computer that has had a lifetime of garbage programmed into it.  God is working on you; at least.  He is if you have invited Him to have control of your thoughts.  He is reprogramming your mind.  Just keep cooperating with Him and dont give up!

It will definitely take time, and it wont be easy, but you are going in the right direction if you choose Gods way of thinking.  You will spend your time doing something, so it may as well be going forward and not staying in the same mess for the rest of your life.

Make a quality decision that you are going to get your mind renewed and learn to choose your thoughts carefully.  Make up your mind that you will not quit and give up until victory is complete and you have taken possession of your rightful inheritance. - J.M.

Joyce Meyer is one of my favorite authors.  When i am in a difficult place in my head or heart i surround myself with positive music, christian authors and people i know bring me up and support me.  When i learned to do that.....God smiled i am positive because He always pulls me through faster.  There is nothing i cant do with Him on my side and my family would suffer without Him in our home. So i say Thank you Heavenly Father once again.  Thank you for helping me help myself and my family i love so very much.

Negative be gone Poof!

As i wake up blessed, with all my family safe and unharmed by the evils of this world...we as a family are still struggling.  Personally, professionally, together and apart the challenges just keep coming and thats ok.  What we must keep in mind is we stick together.  Now teaching THAT to a teenager that is ungrateful or another that is barely able to breathe due to allergies and two others that dont seem to care much for anyone mostly there family......we are tired and we are faced daily with the reality's of negativity and very little positive or appreciation from our own world, but parents dont seem to count quite yet.  (that poor gbaby of ours is too far away, maybe thats a blessing)

Ive heard it said that Negativity can literally make us sick or keep us from healing together or as one. (im learning this for the second time as i heal this stupid rib. Coinquidink its a rib huh?)  That is why when life "happens" we must find balance with what is positive and what is negative.  Too much negative can be a hard place to live.  Too much positive and one might think in this day...well step away from the bottle (lol).  I look at this world as a big picture and my own life as a very small one (in comparison to any person involved with the horror in Boston yesterday, or a school/movie shooting) and feel sometimes that the Negative is winning. I miss calm, smiles as they come few and far between. What needs to be going through my head is that this is temporary.  Seems our world is fighting that very same battle. (in theory of course)  I for one must fight back with prayer and positive energy.  If we replace the word Negative with The Devil himself.....i have to remind myself a lot these days as i look at everything that surrounds my life and loves....and say you Sir, are not welcome here!  No matter how tired i am, how high the cost of living is getting, how much i struggle just to put my damn feet on the floor on some days and face my day (yes and smile...) instead of coming Unglued. Balance must be found, consideration for others must become a priority and Love will thrive. All things are possible and You are always with me... In Jesus name in this house and our Country's, Amen!  Now.......smile and hug someone today.  Let that Devil know.......Be gone **Poof**

Questions from a mom...to be continued.

1. why cant we come home with the pain button for 25 years?
2. why is the only rule book i can count on is the bible for raising kids? We must take a test to drive but not to have a child?
3. why do all those teeth hurt so bad then fall out?
4. whats more expensive diapers or braces?
5. why did markers start being erasable after my kids are grown?
6. why do they all have to pick my worst qualities to take after?
7. why do they only want something when i am in the shower or bathroom or when its not in the budget that month?
8. 10 passy's in the crib and one child.  2 am comes and passys are gone?  Really?
9. move heaven and earth to make something important happen for one of your children and the thank you............never comes.  but that smile......why is that ok for a mom?
10. why cant we eat our young?
11. what happens to brains of children when they turn 12?
12. how do they live and sleep and eat all in the same place?  Their bed (but they think you dont know it)
13.  Why must their drama that is so and so's drama affect my dinner?

i can go on and on and on and on......I also wonder why a dr told me at a young age that i might have to accept not having children due to some medical issues.  Yet here i am.  Exhausted and blessed all at the same time.  Daily, wondering if it will be a hug or a hollar at breakfast or dinner.  My dad said (as bill cosby did) "Raising children is an endurance contest, dont show fear!"  In my case i have always been out numbered and one of them got taller and gave me a gbaby.    
You couldnt pay me to be a teenager again today.  Its scary and hard and we have to raise our children to be tougher and stronger because of it.  That in itself will cause a problem a day.  I was blessed to be self employeed the first 16 years of motherhood.  My newest challenge i add to my over flowing plate of this family of mine is balancing family and a full time job.  
To all those why's and the ones i didnt type i say this.  God has a sense of humor.  Thats why.
Raising children has been and will continue to be the most difficult/ painful  and incredibly blessed success i will have.   I always said that.  Now......A family (meaning i have always been a single parent).....this, this shit is hard.  I should start making my lists of why's for Family next.  Yet, without any answers for family or my beautifully created babies (that drive me to drink on occasion heavily) i wouldnt have it any other way.  I have a sneaking suspicion He knew that.

I do not do Easy

I know i already posted this pic on my facebook account wall, but i thought about it a lot yesterday.  This last 4 weeks have been "up there' on the list of "are you fucking kidding me?" list. Every day as i say all the time is a 50/50 shot in our home but dayammm me and a skillet could use a work out madea style regarding my resentment, anger and pain (both physical and emotional)
I remember when my babies were little and my calender looked something like TJ's High School fball play lists to memorize.  Be here, go there, don't forget this, save for that, re-arrange clients and crap i forgot faith again.  (she used to be so quiet)  Then they all started growing up and away.  My son decided when fball gave up on  him he might as well too.  Don't even mention the grand daughter i took a long time to accept until she looked at me with her daddy's eyes.  The legal bills, the scattering to make sure Tj still had a high school life/college life and enjoy that angel he was so untimely blessed with.  How about the daughters an incredibly mean and less than ever sober man gave me no choice but to send away. Thanks to my bad choice and blind belief in lies.   The time i missed with the very reasons i breathed.  (one of my favorite "update' letters from their incredible, (i mean that) step mom was, Michelle i hope you know they are on a heavy schedule and require so much.  then lists just one of my 15 month apart girls days.... really?  i read it and thought........breast feed and potty train them and then.....sweet sweet stay at home mom.....write me a different letter. )  Don't misunderstand, my children have a wonderful step mom.  She is to be appreciated.  Never having children herself but being a part of mine since birth basically, if it weren't for her i would have had no where to put them safely at that time.  No where.  Their dad traveled and had "zero interest in being a single father".  so to her i will always be in her debt.  But please......i sent them potty trained, self sufficient (faith could make coffee at 5) and with their brother to keep them in line until he found drugs in his fathers oh so fancy neighborhood.  don't you just love money?
Back to my calender:  i am working on it this morning and again, it looks like an old play book of Tj's.  Faith, Emma, Me, B, Tootie, my Gram, my step mom, work for B & I(me working for someone this time not self employed), laundry, if and when Tj shows his face or life to us, same with Ashley. (basically those two are just ...oh look the phones ringing and its TJ or Ashley....how much?) I say this knowing college students are suppose to do that but shouldn't they at some point participate in the family they have no problem taking from?  guess not.
I am for the first time in a long time overwhelmed and dealing with some manic issue's (obviously) and i find myself crying a lot in the shower.  so....i read that post/photo yesterday and thought with broken ribs that heal so SLOW ugh. (Hint to anyone that breaks ribs....don't sneeze!) A son that is determined (not intentionally, i pray) to break my heart, my poor gram and step mom exhausted, my girls going through some damn tough growing pains, My B sticking when i know he secretly drives home a little slower,  me out of work the last two weeks and and and and we keep going.  That's what we do if we choose to be strong isn't it?  Because it is very much a choice.  strong/weak.  Its so damn hard to be strong.  to keep going, to do what has to be done no matter how much it hurts or how tired you are.  Its   Easy to say "fuck it" and bury your head in the sand, or pill or pot, drug of choice or comfy safe financially safe environment.  Just close your eyes and wait for whatever it is to go away.  Let me just tell you it wont.  So as the picture says:  I put my feet on the floor, pray very hard for the Good Lord to cover my mouth as much as possible, remember this time around i am not alone and accept, I'm going to be tired for 5 more years, cry a little, laugh a little, lose time with my B, be sad at some of the decisions my children make yet pray what they want will turn out to make them happy because in the end that's all i really want and I'm thinking this headache is permanent and then poof*, it will be over and the house will be quiet. They will all be gone. With lives of their own to blame me for (its always the parents fault) and children to raise of their own.  Just Poof*......its all so fast.
I pray your life is calm today.  If your reading this, that you find comfort in your coffee or morning news.  That you take 10 min to yourself and be blessed and glad for just one thing, even if that one thing is you.  I know my way is the hard way, but i am blessed that i was raised by women and two men that showed me......There is no other way.  I just don't do easy, dammit.

p.s.  forgive my language.  Im educated and have a large vocabulary.  This month however Fuck just seems to be one of my favorite words and at 45, i ask you allow me the fucking luxury.  :)

inhale.....exhale......repeat!

Once again, this is where i wait, pray and believe in 60 sec., 6 hours, or 24......everything will be different because His plan is always working.  Mine....are written in pencil.
inhale.........exhale.........repeat.  Breathe and wait to fly.  With age comes hope and blind faith.

note to self.......where's my post it?

Its what i do.  Not necessarily give up.  But i do depend on me.  Just me.  People and expectation levels.  They rarely go hand in hand.  (not in my world)  Now i find the hand i was missing was actually not my own.  And......bonus, he needed mine. what the???
Going into this adventure i am currently in, i see that Cheshire cat saying "only you know you stupid" and The Madd Hatter saying " Alice, you have lost your much-ness".  How about peter pan saying " but i can stay here and nothing will ever ever change, i can be a little boy and always have fun".  You see my heaven is wonderland mixed with pixie dust.
I never bought into the cinderella's or sleeping beauties of my youth and certainly didnt raise my children on it.  Nope, i was an alice and hook fan.   Throw in a misunderstood witch and a wayward Toto chasing a broom and this may very well be why i am so complicated.
I have had to walk away, chose to walk away and now know its time to stay.  The broom is parked and our babies will learn......sometimes flying in your own back yard is far enough, even when flying away might be easier.  The real adventure is to stay.  To love and be loved. Honest love is not jealous, not controlling and never angry.  Its constant and kind.  (and puts up with your bull*hit nmw)

p.s.  i will go see that new oz movie but im very leary of it.  I fear yet again there are some misinterpretations of a very lonely twisted witch.  grrr.

Its not a train, relax

The love i have in my life i couldnt have prayed for more specifically.  The passion i have come to know as my home and family is more than anyone deserves and they are mine.  Now.......i see the light at the end of the tunnel.  It is NOT a train.  Now i ask.......Show me how to enjoy it.  Im tired.

Alone is not the same as Lonely

Learn to be alone.  Eat alone, go to a movie alone (no one steals your popcorn), go on vacation alone.  People dont understand alone is not the same as lonely.  When you can be alone and enjoy it.  you like YOU.  I love to be alone.  Its rare and not because i dont enjoy and relish each moment with my family.  But its because i like me that  i am able to love them.   I didnt like me for a long time.  I had to have a circus going on all the time or something to do with someone.  One day i looked around and didnt even enjoy or like half of the someones around me.  I was attracting the wrong someone's.  I didnt like me.  I couldnt be alone.  I could not let go........hence let God.
Once i learned to let God in and like me......my life changed dramatically.  Some good and a lot tough/bad.  Now.......I still like me.  I like me alone.  I keep working on me and the reward......I love my family and they are able to love me.
Happy Sunday.

tiME - where is your ME in your time?

Where do you find your "you time"?   That time your alone with your thoughts, alone with your God, doing something just for yourself?  This is one of the most "guilt" issue's i have.  I tend to wake up at crazy hours just to be alone and read, pray, blog, play games, catch up on my shows.  I counter that with doing some laundry to ease my guilt.  But what about the Gym?  I love going to the gym.  Not to be 105 lbs or look like a 25 year old.  Although, if i could go back i have always said i would install mirrors and walk around saying " dayamn girl!!! you rock "  haha.  No, i like to go and turn my music up loud, spend 30 min reading my bible study and then hiding in a cardio room and working my routine.  Its quiet.  Its only for me.  Yet this last week i have found that sleep was more what i needed. What if i wanted to go out on a limb and get a pedicure?  a massage?  a movie?  As a parent you know that $ needs to be elsewhere.  Proof there is a hairdresser/mom waiting almost 2 years just to get her own hair done.   Again, the guilt.  I have a family to care for.  That my friends, is the devil.  The devil saying "with all the mistakes you have made you think you deserve time to yourself?"  I say, yes I DO.  
What do you do for yourself?  What time do your spend in your thoughts or listening/being still?  How can we hear God if we arent listening? We arent taking time for ourselves......when do we take time for Him?
The ongoing struggle continues...... Off to be momma/mimi and my day begins. <3

Peace of mind..few and far between

One child had a car accident, sleeping and safe. One daughter struggling to find where she belongs sleeping, one daughter just trying to be heard sleeping, one B achieving his goals and beginning all he was meant for, snoring and one gbaby at home and sleeping next to get Daddy to a Disney movie.

These are those moments...quiet..holding tight because tomorrow is a new day.

Movies that move me..try it

My idea of feel good movies are John Wayne, anything 80's directed by John Hughes (yes i love the duck man), All things Audrey Hepburn.  Throw in a wheezer and some Julia Roberts (pretty woman and practical magic) and who could forget Freddy and his great nails?  Meg Ryan had her moments and yes even closer to date Julia Stiles in 10 things i hate about you came close to feel good to me with my girls.    
So let me explain feel good movie: When i watch a movie and it touches me in some way and a week later makes me laugh, tug at my ever hateful heart or maybe teaches me something i didnt really want to think about?  Its a feel good movie.
What i want to share with you today is even though i know how busy you are.  I know my old westerns and black and whites may not interest you and Disney is so over finally thank you baby Jesus (except every other weekend) i have found three feel good movies that do exactly that.  Put your family around you grab a blanket and make some popcorn. Pay attention......watch them twice.  These days life is so busy and complicated and just messy isnt it?  Take the two hours and watch these.  You wont regret it.  (im no movie critic, but i am a momma)
1.  Real Steele - reminded me my kids need me to NOT give up
2. I bought a zoo - a new adventure as long as done together will never fail when paid for     with love..change is hard.  20 seconds of pure courage can change everything..and here i preach 24 hours lol
3. Chasing mavericks - each wave is gonna beat the crapp out of you but if you wanna succeed......the waves will just get bigger (p.s. i hate water.......i loved this movie)

If those dont work, throw in Cowboys with John Wayne or Sabrina with Audrey Hepburn.  (another secret.....Barbara Streisand in Funny girl .....if you can get your teenage daughter to watch it.....you wont regret it)

Nope...bring it!

nicole nordeman - i am



As i layed in bed this morning wondering how in the world the weekend i was looking forward too has turned into a weekend i am dreading??? Will there be enough coffee?  Enough St. John's wart or God forbid zanex?  Why cant things just go as planned?  I just dont wanna get out of bed - NOPE!

As i layed in that same bed i remembered.......they never do.

I am a list maker.  My kids will tell you i have a list for everything and everything has a list.  Some would say its because im organized.  Those that know me would say its because i have been out numbered for years.  A few might even say with a snicker it might be because i am forgetful and my personalities arent always on the same page (this one might be close).  I say its because i like to check things off my lists.  It makes me feel like i have been productive in some form.    ( i used to color code them..by child or event.   im much better now.  I have a strict post-it rule..a post it for this and a post it for that)

The list began : go upstairs and face the horror of the mess my children call their rooms, is my tootie (grand daughter) even on a bed, what in the hell is for dinner, will my sheets ever get clean?  How long will my love have to work today and will he come home smiling his charming smile or will a duck piss him off today (don't laugh...ducks and pools do not mix), will getting my oldest daughter to her class today be an ongoing fight and when or is the youngest coming home...my favorite of this particular list..do i just take over and call a lawyer regarding my tootie and some sanity for her?  (laundry is always on the list..the stack has grown, like gremlins...just add water ugh)
I made it to the couch with my list and grabbed my coffee, two dogs and cats (prayed to my sweet baby Jesus that no one woke up) and started looking at my list of what was the plans and now what are the plans.  Then i realized the list i should be making instead, my blessings:  Its Saturday, i am off of work.  My youngest daughter is at a sleep over that i know she didn't want to face, my grand daughter is home for at least a few hours, my son is here, my oldest daughter didn't react....she responded yesterday and so did my love when i know they both wanted to REACT.  Hell i did not do either to a certain someone, i mentally chose to let her be the mother she is choosing and my son the father he is choosing and i will be the mimi i choose.  (goal there is i am older) I have already walked in their shoes and seen the results. I don't have to do it again.  SOOOO  NOPE,  the devil shall not win today.


I listen to that song up there so much over the years.  When my manic takes over or my fear starts to peek her head out of my many twisted personalities and remember.......each time i listened, breathed.....waited one hour or one day.  Things improved.  FAITH = believing in what you cant see or touch or smell.  Its blind, but never alone.  Who knows, today may turn out better than i thought to begin with?  Most really do don't they?

One more cup of coffee and i can face the monsters i was blessed with and own this day like a boss!!  Saturday.......bring it and your little friends too.  haha

Am i good witch or a bad witch?

So here's my question:  Am i a good witch wishing i was bad or a bad witch wanting to be good.  LOL
No seriously,  Today, right now and in this life i am creating so carefully with age.  Am i a happy person that gets drained and hurt by unhappy things OR am i an unhappy person that struggles, even makes a genuine effort to be happy?
I know what i was,  i know what i want.  I know only i can change me.  (its been an UPHILL battle, im such a hardass)

I joke that every day in my life is a 50/50 shot.  Everyone's moods in my home decide my behavior or mood for the day.  We all affect each other, and those around us.  This my friends is a complicated, twisted 50 kinds of messed up baggage toting family...but we love hard.  We hurt deeply.  We feel everything.  Then everyone makes sure i feel it also and then how i can fix it for them.  (or so i feel;mom)

How am i (as i asked my 13 year old yesterday at a parent teacher conference) in this kaoz?  Am i part of the solution or part of the problem?  Am i generally happy and promote those around me to see God in me?  Am i generally pissy and expecting those around me to bring in the drama so i dont even try?

I want to think i am happy.  I am a happy person with a twist of sarcasm and humor to balance.  That i have cleared the strife from my life and want those around me to see positive energy and embrace it. I have had the experience of hitting rock bottom.  Alone.  I have not only been blessed but i have learned.  (and i know it)  So do i stay mad that i have recovered what i lost due to myself or others or do i embrace what i have and bask in the love i have been gifted?  I like to think the latter.

I not only ask myself these questions for me......i worry for my family.  (its my job.....so i pray a lot!) What are they seeing in me? How will they cope on their roller coaster of life?

I guess the answer is:  Keep working on me.  (Orange isnt my color anywho and they are so cute)

60 min. seem like an forever, doesnt it?  Not really.  At 45, its a second.  just a second. At 5 its eternity, at 13 its a lifetime, at 16 , hell could freeze before that 60 min is up.   at 22...your starting to maybe see the benefit to 1 hour......just one hour.  To a parent or a spouse, a daughter or a son, a sibling or a lover.  maybe a friend who is sick....and many others 1 hour is a gift of just one more hour to be.  be alive, be together, be free, be in love, watch as you grow........  i base most decisions on 24 hours. 24 of those 60 min. waits.  I no longer make a quick decision, i try and fail.... but try, not to react within 24 hours to something that has wronged or hurt me.  So much can happen in a day.  When you are old enough to realize what can happen in a day you are also old enough to know what can change in a day, or an hour.  Sometimes we may not even want to blink because that clock we are watching will soon take our children to their own homes and their own lives.  Time...........its a tough measurement.  Good, bad or indifferent.
Whatever is wrong i preach to my children; "wait 24 hours to respond, i promise and pray for you that not just one thing but two will be or feel different"   Most times as they were younger they didnt understand so i would say " see the clock?  when this hand is here and this hand is there......you will feel different"  it was a game.  
It still is, isnt it?

 keep breathing
.........dont give up, dont give in......YOU are not done.

Moms still have personal goals.......not just SLEEP

there is controversy i am listening to on my KLove radio.  do people post they are the  gym to BRAG or to push themselves on social networks?  Are they holding themselves accountable or  bragging that they are where you should be?  I respond to this by saying once again.  These posts are on  my page .  My blogs are my blogs.  Both yours to enjoy or please leave.  I have grown in my ability to set goals.  They used to be for ourselves didnt they?  Now......I have my heroe's(my family) behind me.  I want them to be proud of me and know they too can set goals and meet them.   Each of us have different reasons for posts.  On this page........it is always surrounding my B or our kids and occasionally.....my insane freinds that keep me laughing when crying just isnt an option.

 I started with this simple *hahahahah challenge.  it kicked this mother of three and now chasing a toddle grandbaby, muscle memory.... my worn out ass out.  but ..........it can be done.  Isnt that what what we want our kids to see?

Personally outside MOM.......its what we want.  We demand rules to be followed.  Goals to be set but are we doing what we ask?

People this one was awful........no really.    I get a lot of my work outs from this page.  Ck it out and you could also consider it.......personal time.  You could even curse.  i wont tell.

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